Sunday, February 13, 2011

I've written it down now

I am going to lose five kilograms! It will be great, I will be great. No stupid diets just less food.

I think I'll buy myself a present when I'm done.

Can't decide what lingerie it's going to be but it will be lingerie.

I realized on Saturday that I've been doing it totally wrong: endless salads and proper dinner and no biscuits just isn't me. It sounds bad but I thought back to when I had anorexia and what I would eat: I ate everything. When I went to get the paper every morning I would buy a little chocolate as well. For breakfast I ate pb or jam on toast. Dinner was anything an everything: I remember fish and chips, curries, ice-cream. I had creme fraiche in the fridge. I made french toast on weekends. I know what this is sounding like, but I've never been physically able to make myself vomit so I didn't just purge everything I ate. Just tiny tiny portions: I'd buy a meal then eat a fifth of it and throw the rest out, I'd ration groceries carefully, I'd cut corners with things like diluting skim milk with water for cooking or flavouring meat sauces with berries and herbs instead of cheese and cream. I never ate lunch, never drank alcohol. Obviously I would not, could not go back to that, go back to what it was: I am not mentally ill in that way anymore, contrary to what livejournal ca. 2005 would have you believe anorexia can not be switched on and off at will; it is a frightening place to be where you are forced to ignore the need for nourishment, a need so basic that it drives everything from humans down to organisms in dog shit to a fucking tomato plant, by thought patterns that are barely recogniseable as your own: you can't turn it on any more that I would have been able to turn it off. But what I can do is ditch unrealistic ideas of being a pious health nerd (I love chick peas but I also love timtams) and just concentrate on eating less or eating smaller versions of what I have been eating already: spread pb a bit thinner, make a packet of biscuits last a couple weeks not a couple days, eat half a takeaway dinner tonight and half tomorrow. I know that this works because it's the only thing that ever does: burn less than you put in, it's science bitches.
Also the big difference between healthy and unhealthy weight loss is that I need to be a little nicer to myself: I'm highly prone to hating my stupid body (see previous post), seeing only what is "awful", feeling that I need to punish myself for being imperfect, endlessly comparing my body to other bodies and finding it wanting. I need to try to do this less, to remind myself that sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look lovely, to lift my legs up and admire their genetically inherited loveliness (lol thanks grandma), wrists barely 2" wide even when I'm "fat", my face which I like because none of the features by themselves are conventionally beautiful but they all somehow get along with each other. Even writing that down is making me feel uncomfortable, I can't separate confidence from smug conceit, narcissism is okay for everyone else but I am not allowed to be vain.

This got really long for "la la la I'm gonna lose some weight". Whatever.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Go away

God, to feel comfortable in my useless body. I feel bloated as a day old corpse and about as attractive, things are sitting in my gut so horrible that it feels like my intestines are itchy, my mouth has the clammy sourness of a mouth that eats too much fat and bread, my fingertips are bitten and nails brittle. I can feel my heart beating exaggeratedly: it's mostly nervousness but I imagine instead that my blood is just so thick and dark and sweet that my feeble shitty heart is having trouble with it. Codeine for the billionth time is kicking in. I want to dream of being the best girl, of health. I'm tired. Go away!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I need this

cannot censor self on facebook any longer

full of teh hate

valve required

stay tuned